I think we all know it: At the beginning of a Partnership we float on cloud 7, are head over heels in love and everything revolves around our partner. We cannot and do not want to imagine that this wonderful emotional state could change at any time. And yet it cannot be avoided that after the first great phase of falling in love, at some point the Everyday life will come to an end.
Suddenly we discover the one or other corner and edge with our partner and we start to get bothered by first things. Especially when we live together with our partner, there is a lot of potential for Conflicts and Relationship stress. Many topics also repeat themselves over and over again. The great infatuation that we enjoyed so much in the beginning seems to have dissolved.
And unfortunately many relationships - in my opinion - break up far too quickly because at this point they think it just doesn't fit anymore. And you can't... with small changes of perspective do a lot to turn the first infatuation into a wonderful deep love and consequently a happy partnership grow.
What are the causes of conflicts within a partnership?
The very own script
Because of upbringing and experiences that have shaped us since childhood, we go through the world with our very own concept of life. We were taught how to behave, what is proper and what is not. And it's this "script", which we often think is the only right thing to do, that we carry into our relationship.
Does or says our partner do or say something with which we disagree, because "you do it differently", we become emotionally unbalanced. He is not acting according to our ideas at this moment and this confuses us. We react angry, annoyed or sad. Seemingly completely banal everyday situations, such as a bathroom mat lying on its side or forgetting to turn off the light, can actually develop into great dramas.
In order to avoid this, it is of great value to remember that we all - often completely unconsciously - carry our own concept of life within us and cannot impose this on our partner. And he, too, has his very own script through experiences and imprints, according to which he lives. He may be disturbed by things we do which are completely normal for us.
Therefore tolerance and acceptance are the magic words here. Live and let live and be aware again and again that our way of life is certainly not the only correct one. We can never change our partner, but we are always free to choose how we want to deal with a situation, how we want to react.
Do we react in autopilot completely annoyed and want to rebuke our partner? Then we can imagine how these situations will develop. Or do we decide for the peaceful wayby taking a deep breath and asking ourselves how dramatic the current situation really is? In most cases, suddenly emerging negativity is resolved with a little Mindfulness and calmness just as quickly.
Everyone always gives his best
At first glance, this statement seems a bit far-fetched. But if we listen a little deeper, it is indeed so. Look at it from this perspective: there are people who were very hurt in the past and still carry this pain in their souls. And they act out of exactly this pain, for example when they hurt somebody.
And there are people who are in their very own Personality development on a different level than, say, the partner. They just don't know any better at that moment. So when a person does or says something that hurts you, make yourself aware There are injured people who need healing and there are ignorant people who need education. But each person always gives the best he or she is capable of at any given time.
Every person acts at any time to meet his or her own needs - this too is usually done completely automatically and unconsciously. Besides our basic needs such as breathing, eating, drinking, sleeping and security, there are myriad other needs (such as calmness, recognition, honesty, freedom, justice, fun, support, understanding...), which we carry within us and which are differently pronounced in each person.
If our needs are met, we feel good, we are happy. But if we carry an unfulfilled need within us, we feel bad. The next time you are in a conflict conversation, pause for a moment and ask each other what in the situation that led to the conflict your (unfulfilled) I needed. This new point of view can enormously disentangle many painful situations and help to quickly establish mutual understanding and peace.
With a little more mindfulness you can already achieve great things within the partnership. Mindfulness always begins within ourselves. When we recognize own emerging thoughts and emotions and deal with them more consciously, many situations that have led to conflicts in the past will no longer be an issue. In the second step we can work with Empathy (understanding) react much more relaxed to our partner and thus contribute to a much more peaceful and happy partnership.
When we enter into a partnership, we also choose to have "problems" that we would not have alone. But in return we are allowed to live the most precious thing there is: To love and be loved.
When we wish for a change in our relationship, it always begins within ourselves. If we long for more depth and peace within our partnership, as well as for more inner balance, we must take full responsibility for it ourselves.
This article is a guest contribution from Anika Henkelmann
For many years I have experienced and lived through painful conflicts and struggles in previous relationships and a failed marriage. For a long time I lived completely unconsciously with a lot of negativity within myself and blamed other people and external circumstances for my emotions. In 2009 I met my current husband André. We lived a wonderful relationship from the beginning, but of course there were ups and downs for us too.
At the same time I set out on the exciting path of my own personal development. I attended seminars, read a lot of valuable literature and began my studies to become a mental trainer. I learned an incredible amount of new things about myself and I wish you exactly this wonderful experience from the bottom of my heart.
Start today your personal 8-week journey to a happy partnership, inner balance and more joy of life: my-lovebird.com