no stress on the subject of sex enjoymentGuest article

No stress on the subject of sex: pleasure instead of a must

Unfortunately, in many long-term partnerships it is the other way round and means: "must instead of pleasure".

"All we do is cuddle." That's how it happens with many long-term couples. The love is still there, but the sex is gone. Stress, sensory overload, self-optimization and fatigue in everyday life - how can erotic tension be created?

In my experience, many people have all kinds of helplessness and ignorance in erotic matters. And in spite of the manifold information possibilities thanks to the internet and the enlightenment of many women and men, many are speechless when it comes to sex and heart. This often creates unconscious stress. Also the feeling of being "not normal" puts us under pressure and increases our fight-or-flight mode, i.e. our stress level.

physical awareness, sensuality, playful curiosity, pleasure - the essential requirements for a fulfilled sexuality - many people have been lost. Partly the knowledge about it was lost, partly it never existed because it was not learned or not researched.

Relax together and enjoy "making love." Experience sexuality in a way you have long desired. To feel the love for others and yourself and to connect intimately with each other. Don't we all yearn for it?

In search of the lost desire

In my consultations and workshops I experience again and again the sadness about sexuality that is not satisfying for both sides. The sex in the relationship has been lost - in the beginning the couple had a lot of sex, but over the years it rarely happens. As a reason for the unsatisfying love lives the following difficulties are often mentioned

  • One partner wants more than the other
  • The couple believes that they do not correspond to the average amount of sexual activity that (allegedly) takes place weekly in German beds
  • The partners no longer have any real desire for each other, but secretly have a great longing for sex

Those affected are not happy about what is or is not going on sexually. And it is only a small consolation to know enough other couples or to hear that they are similar. When the professional and personal stress of our modern life takes over, most people want only one thing in bed - to sleep.

There is also the absurd belief that the Sex in long-term relationships is inevitably subject to the lull. As if it were an incontrovertible law that after a few years of being together, one would fatefully get bored in bed.

in search of lost desire

Sex is something special

It is an intense way to feel alive. It creates Closeness and connectedness on a physical, emotional and energetic level with the loved one or oneself Sex is healthy and keeps you young (Botox goodbye!). Afterwards you look at yourself differently and you look different - more radiant, more blooming, happier, more relaxed, the life energy flows again. Meanwhile it has been proven several times: Sex in general (and orgasms in particular) is healthy.

False ideas

Many people are also willing to do something for their love life - in the long run, often unfortunately with moderate success. Most couples struggle with getting hot for each other again. Because we have an image of ideal sex in our heads - and that usually doesn't match what we're experiencing.

The media image: Women's magazines and men's magazines, porn and advertising - suggests to us that the main enemy of a vibrant sexuality is boredom. And that with enough variety one can get the rusty sex life lubricated again (in the truest sense of the word). Not wanting to do anything is seen as a stigma ("something is wrong with me") or an admission of failure.

This is where a different approach helps to get out of the dilemma: Many couples experience their sexuality as follows: The investment for sex is too high - the effort exceeds the benefit. But: Those who do not feel like it have good reasons. And if you find out about these reasons, you can change something. This enables you to gain energy from your lovemaking instead of experiencing it as an effort.

Listlessness is often a refusal to perform. It is important that we can recharge our batteries in a joint erotic game, then it will happen again. Often "no desire for sex" is spelled out as "no desire for the sex you can get". What you experience is not enough, so you better leave it alone.

It is like having a bulging children's room full of toys where the child is bored. The solution is not to buy more toys, but to teach the child to play. The same is true for sex-weary couples. Instead of more stimuli or even more of the same, it is about learning to feel and relate to each other and play with each other. Then the sex becomes exciting again.

One solution is, the development of your own sexuality - this is in connection with the turning inwards - away from the outside. This makes the sex intimate and awakens the desire for more.

Turning inwards instead of outward focusing

Through external focus, one is seduced to optimize oneself more and more - to optimize one's figure, fitness level, youthfulness, success at work, the presentability of the family, correcting one's appearance (cosmetic surgery), multiplying one's friends, staging one's self-expression- One makes oneself an object and thereby loses oneself.

By turning inwards, it succeeds, to make the body again the centre of experience and experience and not to use him as a means to an end.

To learn from our body and thus to make its multidimensionality perceptible again. In the womb we experienced the connection exclusively through our body. And even as a baby we grasped the world primarily through physical perception - touching, feeling, sensing - to experience a different Communication level we didn't have for now. Our body is the mediator between the inner and outer world.

And to get back into the body, simple means like the Breath, Movement and Mindfulness.

Here is a simple and effective body exercise: Place one hand on your stomach, breathe deeply but gently into your stomach - inhale and exhale - and feel your hand rise and fall with each breath. In doing so, perceive how does it feel? What exactly do I feel? And where everywhere can I discover the breath in my body?

This is only one of many body awareness possibilities or exercises that you can experience and use yourself, in a group or with support in an individual sexual therapy.

Let's do it and experience "pleasure instead of must"!

This article is a guest contribution from Ulrika Vogt


I worked in my own sexual therapy practice in Cologne and supported people in getting to know their bodies and feeling "at home" in them. I encourage and accompany people to (re)experience their sexuality in a fulfilling, joyful and sensual way and to live a pleasurable and self-determined life.

Every person is a unique and individual being through his or her subjective perception and individual needs and values. It is important that we place ourselves at the centre of our contemplation, observation and ability to act so that we can develop compassion for ourselves, for others and for the world. Here my work with you begins.