the-word-no-an-IGuest article

The word NO and I

I have stress. I am on the run, do everything in a hurry, want to get as much done as possible and do it efficiently. I am annoyed, unimportant things have no place in this time. I don't know what to start with first, have to keep a cool head, try to act rationally, but my nerves are thin. I am in danger of collapsing under the abundance of tasks. I am stressed.

I have no time

For me, stress arises when I let myself be determined from the outside. I have a problem with saying NO. At work a colleague wants me to do this and that, a friend wants to meet me, I want to visit my sick grandpa, my dog is dreaming of the dog run and the next presentation is coming up. I should clean at home again, I have nothing in the fridge, I live on junk food and I have the feeling, time runs away from ME.

I try to please everyone, and especially myself, yet I'm always way too late. That's why I sit on my bike and race from one meeting to the next, I try to avoid traffic jams by taking overlong detours by car, I'd rather race than have my tires stand still. Standing, waiting, pausing...these are all moments that make me angry. Because I don't have time.

The "N" word

I don't have time and I'm stressed because I don't say NO. If I say NO, I'm afraid of getting in trouble or upsetting someone. They might not like me anymore. These assumptions sit deep between my beliefs. My inner child believes that the word NO is associated with Reject, Violation and Failure related. I do not want to disappoint the other person who asks me for help.

I can't really find a situation in my childhood that is responsible for this. I do know, however, that as a child I never said NO to adults. That would have been rude and ill-mannered. So what happened?

I have missed the handling and the practice with it, to offer others also sometimes the NO. I find it extremely difficult to say NO without feeling like I am hurting others. I just find in these situations. no suitable wordseven if this may seem to be the easiest thing in the world for outsiders.

I'm stressed because I don't set priorities

Out of the problem of not being able to say NO, many tasks arise that I charge myself with. In addition, I have a high demand on myself and want to do everything perfectly. There I am, stuffed to the top with tasks and can hardly breathe. I am stressed out. Now I could sort out what is important and what is not. There is always a way to postpone or cancel things.

But that would be a weakness, I would be a failure, and I would also have to bash others in the head. So I'm going to bash myself in the head... too many things at once...indulge my body... no peace, don't take care of myself and rather be good to others and do them a favor instead of taking care of myself. I have not learned this either and it pretty much goes along with my NO habit.

Discard the perfection

First, I admit to myself that it's ok to not always deliver perfectly. As a perfectionist, that's already a very big challenge. Because the voice in my head keeps saying, "If it's not flawless, it's not worth anything." Because when I look at it soberly, I spend a lot of time trying to make things perfect. That very often brings with it a lack of time and unnecessary stress. So I take it upon myself to it also times imperfectly is allowed to be.

If we can get Perfection we realize that it's okay not to get everything done and to please everyone. That means accepting that we can't always get everything done that we set our minds to.

How do I prioritize now?

I can take a step back and look at what tasks are important. I can do that best when I meditate. To do this, I sit down in a quiet place and wait to see what thoughts come and go. Already after a short time I can recognize through the silence and the distance, how the next step should be designed. But how do I not even get into the situation of having to sift through my full calendar?

Peace factor and how I manage to say NO

To avoid getting into the stress phase in the first place, it helps to practice saying NO. I can always say NO best when I use my intuition or the Let belly voice do the talking. That even before the head can turn on. My gut voice already has an answer before the ego's answer can speak. It gets its say in the first few seconds. Even brief reflections lead to emotionally charged statements that are akin to a nonviolent Communication stand in the way.

We recognize our gut voice by the first feeling after the other person asks. "Can you please do this project for me?" In my belly then arises a feeling of pressure and anxietybecause I would be under that kind of pressure with an additional project. That's exactly what I'm training myself to say. A simple and possible answer would be: "I'm sorry, I can't do that on top of my project."

Now the ego can't answer and say, "Always you come to me," or think to itself, "I'm beginning to feel used." And even the pitying and fearful child has not yet had its say, doubting the rebuff. Because there's one thing I've come to understand:

If I don't take care of myself, others won't either.

They can't see where my limit is and how much time I actually have. So I'm learning to express myself, to pay attention to my needs and realize that Saying NO is a quality and not a flaw.

This article is a guest contribution from Jenny Kistner


I'm Jenny, burnout candidate or depressionista, highly sensitive, hypothyroid, and dog mom. I was the security type, a planner, and an adaptive chameleon. Today, I'm on the path to falling in love with my heart, radically living out my irrationality, and breaking my own old rules.

I take you with me and tell you about my bullshit, without which I would have had no experience and ultimately no change. I will show you the way to more self-love, magic and inner PEACE OF SHIT!